It's good to be a girl
| SATURDAY, JULY
01, 2006
It's good to be a girl
Being female in the world today comes with permission to be human;
to have emotions, to need affection, to give and receive affection.
It's allowed. Sleepovers are okay times to admit to fears or share
strange new bodily discoveries, sisters are allowed to give tampon
insertion demonstrations, and women can turn to each other for just
about anything they feel they need. Not that this is natural or
easy for everyone, but at least it's allowed.
It's about time we extended this permission to men. Perhaps it
is only possible for men to extend it, one at a time, to themselves
and to their brothers. I think most women wish this for the men
they know and love. Being human does not mean having everything
under control, knowing all the answers and not showing difficult
emotions. Life gets messy sometimes, and allowing it to be so makes
things easier and way more fun.
A few years back I saw a beautiful book of nude males photographed
on the beach. They were playing in the water, in the sand, and with
each other, spraying water, running, giving piggy-backs. My first
reaction was discomfort (ingrained homophobia?) but after reading
the author's intentions in his introduction, I looked at every image
again with a brand new perspective. He wanted to show men playing
together... not betting on horse races or shooting pool with cigarettes
hanging from their surly lips, but in a vulnerable state in a natural
setting. They were of course, all young, tanned, and "ripped"
but still, the point was not lost on me. We don't often see images
of men interacting unless they're drinking beer or wearing suits.
I was left with a deep sadness for the many men who don't ever
get a chance to know themselves better through contact with other
men... and this does not only have to mean sexually... intimacy
comes in many forms and without it, we all dry up and starve or
turn to whatever escape mechanisms we can to ease the pain of this
absence.
Comments:
Brendan said...
Victoria - Thank you for bringing up male intimacy. Too often this
is ignored in society, but it does exist outside sex. I am best
friends with two other men, and we've now known each other for 40
years (am I really that old?), since the third grade in 1966. We
can talk about anything: sex, marriage (they are, I'm not), life,
children, any topic will work. I am closer to them in most ways
than I am to my own brothers because of the level of intimacy we
have. It works for us!
Thank you for your blog, and the lovely artwork! Your thoughts and
message are wonderfully clear and badly needed in this over-wrought
world of ours.
Anonymous said...
It's not easy for us(men). Early on we learn how to fight, later(if
we're lucky)we learn how to fuck, but how many of us have learned
how to show our emotions? Especially to each other.
When I was 12 years old, I was raped by an authority figure. I spent
the next 35 years learning how to protect myself. I can kill a man(or
several) with my bare hands. I can identify weapons from things
you couldn't imagine. My dreams have taught me how to survive in
prison. The Hagakure, how to face death. I have no fear of physical
challenge, of death or any man. What have I accomplished?
It is easy to be hard. It is easy to hurt someone. A word can do
it.
To love is the greatest challenge in life.
To be vulnerable.
I can only do it with the back up of, if you hurt me or make fun
of me(the greatest hurt, I am a fool and irrelivent) I can at least
kill you.
What solice in that? I am alone.
The greatest gift ever given to me is the love of a woman.
I am not being corny for a second.
I could not receive this love from a man because I could never trust
a man or let one close enough to understand the love he had to give
me. Every man in my life was judged on his potential to be able
to hurt me either physically or emotionally.
I can express my love to a woman but if I want to express even "like"
to a man it has a great underlying of fear attached to it. Will
he think I'm a fag? I'm not. And I'll kick the shit out of you just
to prove it. That will prove it, wount it? (I can't spell because
I had to get drunk just to send this message)
I can feel the fear of other men.
One of the side effects of going deeply into fear, martial arts,
pain, love, and how to avoid or inflict pain is that you become
very sensitive to both pain and pleasure and fear for that matter.
I can feel fear from a distance.
Nothing makes a man more uncomfortable than talking about emotions,
even showing emotions is less dangerous because we can say we were
drunk or it was the moment of the "game" great win, or
tough loss.
Want to make a big tough biker run away? Say: "I love you".
Or maybe he'll break down and hug you. Either way it takes balls
to try it.
My rambling point is(did I mention I had to be drunk to write this?)
it is not easy for a man to show emotions to another man. Check
that. Emotions yes. Anger, rage, desire(for a woman or a car)OK,
but for a man to express to another man love, hurt, pain, vulnerability,
insecurity or any other state of emotion which doesn't signify total
control is more than a rare occurance. At least in my world.
I guess the real reason I'm writing this is that if there are men
out there who read this blog and think we need help then I am not
alone.
It took me 5 beers to write this and please don't take it lightly.
It took every bit of my heart and soul to pour this out(no pun intended)
and I feel pretty stupid right now, I am not even going to read
it for fear I'll erase the whole damn thing!
Please express your love.
We only have each other.
XOXO |
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