Porn, Prostitution and The Way Things Are
| Thursday, July
06, 2006
Porn, Prostitution and The Way Things Are
Every few months for the past few years I have somewhat reluctantly
delved into pornography sites on the Internet in search of images
of people to draw who actually look like:
a) they care about each other,
b) they're having fun, and
c) they would do what they're doing together even if they weren't
being paid for it.
I say this with a chuckle, because I realize that I am being pretty
judgmental by imagining that it is supposed to be a certain way
(my way)... that it would be better if it were otherwise than what
it is... that somehow all is not well in the world we have collectively
created, on the Internet and elsewhere.
The truth is, pornography has many, many followers. There is a
market for it, a demand, a hunger and obsession which translates
into big business. One of the things I have noticed over the years
is that there is a growing female pornography movement for and by
women. They are building sites comparable to what is already out
there focused mainly towards men. Their purpose is the same; to
tittilate, excite and hopefully satisfy the desires and whims of
the female viewer. And rake in the bucks. Although I understand,
logically, where they're coming from, to me it's just more of the
same disconnected-from-love-and-real-life scenarios that feed separation
between people. Fast food that fills you up while starving you.
I heard a female novelist who writes erotic stories say in an
interview that she was cool with pornography, because if she had
to choose between her husband going out to hire a prostitute or
staying at home surfing pornography, she'd choose pornography any
day.
Funny how I've come to see it so differently. At least a prostitute
is a real, living, breathing person, capable of some form of human
exchange and emotions. The idealized women on porn sites are not.
And all stereotypical fears and judgments about call girls aside,
in my opinion a man who has been with a prostitute has a better
chance of coming home with some sense of relief due to the actual
physical connection than someone masturbating, most likely in hiding,
alone in front of a computer screen.
Comments:
I was married to someone who I loved deeply. Our sex life was
tender, caring, tentative, fraught with anxiety and ultimately passionless.
I tried everything I could to try and arouse him, tease him into
a state of lust, make him let go, make him want to just take me
against the wall or on the floor. One day I realized that I couldn't
make someone want me, couldn't make them let go if they didn't want
to actually let go or for whatever reason couldn't let go... what
is sex if it's not about letting go...of everything?
I suggested that he sleep with a prostitute and I meant it. I thought
that that would be the solution - if he could learn to let go with
a stranger maybe he could learn to let go with me? Maybe a prostitute
would know things that I didn't know? I felt so good and hopeful
at this prospect...
I agree with you about porn - speaking as someone who is in a family
where two close male relatives are addicted to the stuff - surely
real life interaction is the only way to bring real relief.
My now ex-husband never did sleep with a prostitute. I finally put
my hand up and said I can't be in a physically passionless marriage.
It's killing me.
He's now having the intense, lusty sex he should be having. Out
of the closet and proud. And I'm proud of him. And I'm proud of
myself too. SEX MATTERS.
YES... it does matter, and we so need to look at it honestly,
re-evaluate and change our views and practices to bring each other
more joy, more real freedom and less guilt and shame. Thank you
so much for sharing your story. Gave me goosebumps, as if my body
knows this scenario deeply.
xo Victoria
I could go on for hours writing about how and why I had to
struggle with porn for a couple of years after going out with a
man who was an addict and treated me badly.
I've never been "hooked", they were just short phases
but I felt terrible afterwards, projecting myself into these images
where women were portrayed as objects. The guilt was the worse thing,
even friends used to judge me for this ("No, I don't understand
you, this is disgusting").
I have stopped looking at porn, I knew the power it held over me.
Since I started reading your blog and your sketchbooks (I love those
stories), I've tried coming back to those websites but I didn't
feel excitment anymore (HONEST!!!!). I guess your methods work.
:)
I feel a little embarrassed telling this, I'm doing it in case other
women would be struggling with this same problem. I know how difficult
it is to admit. But healing is possible.
Thank you Victoria XXX
Hi all,
The word pornography - which I use reluctantly, because it invokes
the dumb old question, "But, is it art?" - means the depiction
of prostitution. It was originally an illustration of sex that would
be used in prostitution settings to describe the various services
that were available. Eventually, the advertisement became the product.
Here is how the Wikipedia entry begins:
''Pornography (from Greek p???? "prostitute" and ??af?a
"writing") (more informally referred to as porn or porno)
is the representation of the human body or sexual activity with
the goal of sexual arousal. It is similar to, but distinct from,
erotica, though the two terms are often used interchangeably.
''"In general, "erotica" is used to imply artistic
quality, sensuousness, or implied sexuality, whereas "pornography"
tends to signify explicit sexual acts. The line between "erotica"
and "pornography" is often highly subjective and the former
term is often used in a more positive sense while "pornography"
tends to have more negative connotations." ''
I have a few problems with mainstream porn, none of which are endemic
to porno itself - but rather, how it's done. One is the lack of
imagination that is generally pretty obvious. The other is that's
done poorly, with little sensitivity. I've addressed this in my
own life by becoming an erotic photographer (and extensively, model,
including some professional work). The thing I find is, it's not
all that easy to get sensitive people to participate. It happens,
but it takes a lot of focus and attention.
In any field of art, industry or whatever, though, there are going
to be people who create stuff that's pleasing; others who present
stuff that's icky and cheap; and lots of room for taste to play
a part.
The problem with labeling something "porno" is that
in doing so we create a marked category and the term is almost always
used with some derision. Many false accusations are made that it
is responsible for violence, but there is no proof of that.
I think we really need to ask WHY porn is so popular. There are
a few reasons: one of which is a strange limit on the availability
of sex. There is also a need for materials to fuel people's imagination;
there always has been and there always will be. The same lack of
imagination that infuses most porn is shared by most people who
view it.
However - as we claim to be "sex positive" in this space,
I suggest we really keep an open mind. Betty Dodson, to give one
example, was basically saved from her negative self image (in particular,
of her pussy) when her lover, Grant, showed her his collection of
pussy images from his porno collection. She realized that her vulva
was "normal" and not deformed - other women had larger
inner lips. Then she became very curious about drawing vulvas, and
began to do so. That was one of the moments when Betty Dodson as
we know her - who has taught tens of thousands of women to masturbate,
and made the world safe for female orgasm - was born.
I think we have some taking back porn to do. Or making some of our
own. Who cares what "they" are doing? Let's do it ourselves.
eric francis
PS, from Wiki
The term "pornographic" is sometimes used to denote an
opinion that something which should be discreet, private or which
should be personal, is being openly and indecently placed in the
public eye beyond social norms.
So, this is why we need to be careful with the word. I really suggest
getting rid of it altogether.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography
One last paragraph from Wiki, making my point a lot better than
I did...
According to Gore Vidal, "sex is politics". To seek to
control aspects of personal sexual behaviour enables governments
to control people in general. Consequently, the term then came to
mean the publication about anything sexual, especially in a base
manner, when the creation, presentation, or consumption of the material
was for sexual stimulation. The term now refers to sexually related
material of all kinds, both written and graphical. The term "pornography"
often has negative connotations of low artistic merit, as compared
to the more esteemed erotica.
Thanks for the feedback everyone...
Thanks for sharing on what's hard to share, admit and accept....
but what a relief to hear the truth! Thanks Eric for your insights
and Wiki research. Rounds out the personal views with the political.
One thing that struck me was when you said "false accusations
are made that it [porn] is responsible for violence, but there is
no proof of that".
I believe that the worst violence is the most invisible violence
that we do to ourselves by not listening to our deepest needs, for
not standing up for them, for not fighting for a vision of sex and
love that corresponds to what we really want and need to experience
to bloom as human beings involved in tender and supportive relationships
rather than making do rules, partnerships or exchanges that are
empty of meaning, like the images of sex we see on the Web.
Victoria
I agree, Victoria. Nice erotic stories and pictures are hard to
find. I like them passionate, sultry, steamy, moving, intelligent,
funny and kinky. Those are really healing gifts!
While I agree, going with a prostitute is in a way more personal,
it can be a venue for bringing back STD's chief of which are HIV
or Chlamydia. Condoms are not a sure thing and casual sex is definitely
a way to spread STDs.
If my husband needs to get some sexual relief for whatever reason,
I would rather he masturbate than go with another human being because
of the risk of STDs.
Masturbation is a much maligned activity. I personally tell my kids
that it is a great way to have sexual relief without the risks.
As for porn, I have liked it at times for the reason that it can
help me jump start my libido when it has been submerged due to the
demands of parenting and living in this rush,rush, messed up economic
age. The visuals of people having sex cause twinges because I then
think of having sex with my husband and remember how nice HE feels
in my arms and under my hands.
Some porn is worse than others and I think that distinction is entirely
in the eye of the beholder. Nor do I think ALL porn objectifies
women. Nor do I think sex without feeling is all bad. I had sex
just to feel good when I was in my twenties, it was great and both
parties left feeling satisfied.
Why does sex always have to have love attached to it to be ok? I
think as a society we have made sex bad unless it is in a controlled
situation. It is ok within marriage but just to "get off"
is somehow bad? If both parties want it and like it, why is it bad
if those parties are not in a relationship or in love?
Oops, hit the publish button too soon. I just posted the above comments
but had more to say.
Sex with love is a deeper sex and I like it better, but sex for
the sake of just having sex feels good too.
Why masturbating in front of a computer screen is not relieving
is something I think we have been fed by our society. Solo sex is
seen as somehow only for the unlucky or socially unacceptable or
deviant ones in our society. Kind of like the way people seem to
think vaginal penetration sex is the only "real" sex.
Sex is a physical intimacy, a way to deeply touch another person
but it is also a physical pleasure that can be had solo. That it
is done in front of a computer screen may seem distasteful, but
sometimes it helps the imagination when a person feels brain dead
but in need of that release. It is only when it becomes a habit
that takes the place of real striving for intimacy that it harms
the one doing it. Occasionally doing it that way isn't really harmful
in my opinion.
Carrie Harrington
Since sexuality is such an intimate experience, I've always felt
the need explore it with someone I loved and trusted, at least a
friend. Someone who can share, not only take from me.
Over the years, I changed. Sex used to be exploration, now complete
surrender to my lover, heart, body and soul. I'm just very intense!
I haven't found someone with whom I wanted to share my passion.
But I need to evacuate these energies. And thank God there is virtuality.
Without it, I'd be going completely NUTS!!!!!
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